Continue reading »]]> A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stoking his face with both hands.

“Actually no …” he replied.

“Can you get him for me … I need to speak to him,” she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t …” breathed the bartender “Is there anything I can do …?”

“Yes I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him,” the bartender managed to mumble.

“Tell him,” she whispered alluringly, “there’s no toilet paper – hand soap – or paper towels in the ladies room.”

Continue reading »]]> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.”

“It’s worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.”

The priest said, “By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question .”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

Continue reading »]]> An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

“Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father”

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

“Beloved Father,
Please don’t touch the garden. It’s there that I have hidden ‘the THING’.
I love you, too,
Ahmed”

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can’t find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

“Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That’s all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed.”

Continue reading »]]> Original Quote:
“If you love someone, Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours.
If she doesn’t, it was never meant to be….”

What others say:

Analogist:
IF you love someone AND this someone doesn’t love you
THEREFORE you should set her free

Optimist:
If you love someone, Set herfree…
Don’t worry, she’ll come back.

Pessimist:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she ever comes back, she’s yours.
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was.
Whatever gave you the idea that she would anyway?

Suspicious:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she doesn’t come back within a week forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she doesn’t come back put your life on hold and sit and wait.

Playful:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she comes back, *and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

Human Ecologist:
If you love someone, Set her free…
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free.

Lawyers:
If you love someone, Set her free…
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a – 1 in the 2nd amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Osama Bin Laden:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she doesn’t come back set bombs and bomb her.

Biologist:
If you love someone, Set her free…
She’ll evolve.

Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high.
If she doesn’t, your relationship was improbable anyway.

MacArthur fans:
If you love someone, Set her free…
SHE SHALL RETURN!

Overpossessive person:
If you love someone, don’t set her free.

FBI agent:
If you love someone, Set her free…
Then put a bug on her phone and surveillance cameras in her house.

Pathetic:
If you love someone, Set her free…
Who wants to be stuck with a loser like you anyway?

Lawyer:
If you love someone, Set her free…
Then sue her for emotional distress.

Psycho:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she doesn’t come back hunt her down then shoot her.

Creepy Sociopath:
If you love someone, stalk her.

Psychologist:
If you love someone, Set her free…
But study her mind and her defense mechanisms if she still loves you.

Marketer:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she comes back sell her.

Nature lover:
If you love someone, Set her free…
If she comes back plant a tree.

Continue reading »]]> As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said,

“Good morning boss. Happy Birthday.”

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Jane knocked on my door and said,

“You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said,

“You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said,

“Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there…

I sat on the couch……….

…..naked.

Continue reading »]]> At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!!!

Continue reading »]]> Bob requested a recommendation letter from his supervisor. The sup created one as follows:

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot Bob was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines above.

Continue reading »]]> Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON’T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly.